Letter #5

 Hi.

All I can really say is, wow. I had my last real update in 2020. So much has changed. I used to write these for people to read you know. With the intent of people reading it. Kinda cringe. But I write these for me now. Life really punched me in the mouth these last 4 years. Around 2020, I was happy because quarantine hit. God am I thankful for that fucking germ. It bought me time, it bought me peace too. I think my emotional volatility is more in check these days. Especially compared to the raging, drug consuming, fuck I was in high school, but time went on. I really don't know when the next time I'll be reading this, so I'm going to do my best to highlight and went over what happened in this time period. I usually seem really pessimistic to my future self in these updates, but I usually turn out OK. 

Let's talk about the end of high school. 

Graduation happened. I couldn't really say it was eventful. I guess it made me feel super lonely and isolated, realizing that I ended up being alone at the end (except for Daniel, thank god for that man.) But yeah, pretty much no one by the end of it, maybe it was because the diversity of who I graduated with. It all just seemed really dark and lonesome. Went to college, quit the team, started online classes. I've been fucking around for 3 whole years man. You just cringed huh? I know, I shutter thinking about it everyday.

Then I met this girl. I doubt you'd ever forget her. A whole 2 years. Down the drain. Gone. I mean, I'm still in the grieving stage of this shit anyways so I can't give you a mature take on this anyway. Especially today man, I just looked at her Spotify a couple hours ago, and her final playlist commending you, calling you the "love of her life" is gone. I'm really frustrated about it, but what can I do man? You'd hope that she'd still hold on at least a little bit for you. But it's nothing. You put her on a pedestal anyways. But to be honest, it's 4 months out, and you're taking it quite well. You're being mature enough to not just hit up girls that lowkey hint at wanting you just to fill some void. I don't know what you'll process this time to be in the future, but from my perspective as of right now, you're not really ready to do that anyways, half the time, you're irritated if anyone texts you. Anyways, you matured a lot during this time, got to see other parts of the country, and honestly got out quite drama free considering you never planned to tell her the truth about your life. That was hard man, not being able to really get help. I really fucking hope future me finds a girl that you won't have to withhold information from. I really at this point of my life want to be truthful and honest, not only to myself, but everyone. I planned a cut-off scenario around this time of my life too, but my life is way too set in stone at the moment that its hard for me to just cut EVERYONE off and say fuck it.

Crazy to say, and I don't know if this will hold any value to you, but I'm pretty much off league and video games. None of it really matters or makes sense to put any time into these days. My main focus now, is saving my money (not that I'm doing an amazing job at it,) but in good news, literally 2 days ago, you paid off that huge credit card debt. I think I lost 1.5K just off those payments. But hey, you really needed money in December. I'm just happy my second paycheck of the month will actually hold some money. Shit was kinda crazy. Now I'm happy with the 1.7k? I get each month. Speaking of saving money, dawg, you need that car really fucking bad. This cam shit needs to stop. 

Anyways, that's honestly really it. Not really, theres a bunch of more shit that needs to be addressed, but I'm getting tired, because YOUR ass didn't sleep last night. 

In all seriousness though. I love you man. Weird to say to your future self, but you might read this when you're going through a serious downpoint in your life. Just don't give up man. You can't. I'm not going to lie to you and say that soooo many people care about you, but honestly if there's one thing you did care about, its yourself. So no giving up okay? OK, gotta bounce, I have boxing with Muyo today (if this fucker answers his texts.) And cardio with Angela and Daniel tonight.

Get it done bro,

Your past self,

Matthew Fernando <3