Letter #7

 Holy, fucking shit. 

I can't even explain how insane this whole thing is. 

I think it's insane because I always think that life is over until it's not. 

Its Feb 8, 2025.

I didn't exactly know what type of mental place I would be in. I definitely did NOT expect it to turn out like this. I'm finally getting freedom. I'm finally feeling healthy. I don't think I'm as locked in as I should be but hey, when's the last time I really smiled the way I have now. A smile that isn't tainted by madness or mood swings. Not a result of some rush of adrenaline that wears off shortly after. I'm poised to be a position where I can improve and be happy exactly the way I wish. Not to mention, I think I'm in love again. Who fucking knew that could happen after the fucking fiasco. But a lesson learned is as such, I'm older, wiser, and grew through experiences. So many things I thought were bad turned out to be... bad. But I understand the meaning, and I have the life I'm about to live. 

Another thing that's insane to me is the improvement in music. Like god couldn't convince me I could write again. There was a good two or three years that I felt that it was all over, but thank god I'm here. My life feels so balanced. I want more, in terms of my future. I somehow have this weird certainty that this is what life will be. I'm happy about it. 

In the past I used to feel weighed down about how I would make shit work. I am now certain that the pieces in my life have appeared exactly as so. It's time for me to take hold of the opportunity I have in my life now. 

A new era is upon me. It took me exactly a year of recovery to feel like this after I parted ways with her. It was a long, slow and painful process. But I have come out the other side of the tunnel alive, happy, and well. I am no longer scared of the future, the anxiety isn't here anymore, and the funniest shit about it is this. I was stupid, and I didn't know so much. The thought process of me knowing everything is gone, but my confidence hasn't left me in spite of it. The building pieces have all fallen into place. 

I will cringe writing this next line.

It's time to start again. 

Love you Matthew, I'm so glad you found yourself once again.  

End of Great and Guilty,

September 8, 2017- February 8, 2025